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by Raymond T. Exum
Crystal Lake Church of Christ, Crystal Lake, Illinois
January 14, 2001
I would like to invite you to look with me at two different scriptures, the first of which is in the New Testament in the book of Ephesians. Please turn if you will to Ephesians chapter 5. This is one of two very profound passages in the Bible on the subject of the marriage relationship. Certainly marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God ever gave to mankind. There is a great joy that comes in sharing one's life with another person. There is a joy that comes with having children, the joy that comes in growing old together with another person, two people who love each other. But as with all of the gifts that God has made to mankind, Satan has corrupted things, and Satan has twisted things around. And in some cases, the result with marriage is it has become a curse instead of a blessing.
The way that God envisioned marriage was for the husband to be the head of the family, the wife to be his helpmate, or his assistant, and for them both to have the responsibility for raising the children in the faith. But Satan has corrupted the beauty of marriage in our generation by introducing violence into the marriage relationship. In fact, many families today are suffering from violence. In many cases the husband toward his wife, and other cases, parents toward their children, and in some cases, even in our country, violence of children toward their parents. Over the last few years, for example, we have had several very famous cases where parents have murdered their children.
We've also had some high profile cases where children have murdered their parents. I'm speaking, for example, of the Menendez brothers, who were finally convicted in 1996 of the shotgun slaying of both of their parents. They are now serving life terms, without parole, in the California prison system. As we think about these two sons actually killing their parents, we ask ourselves, "How could this possibly take place in our country?" And yet it did take place.
In the same way, we see other forms of violence in the family today, and particularly the violence of husbands toward their wives. In fact, 95% of the violence between a husband and a wife is from the husband, and it is directed toward the wife in the family. It was legal, in the United States, for a husband to beat his wife up until the year 1871. Up until 1871 the wife was considered a piece of property, and she could be treated as the husband saw fit.
Today, the statistics on violence within marriages is certainly very discouraging. There are a number of Internet sights that try to give the results of various surveys, and it depends on which survey you go by, but the lowest figure I saw was 20% of marriages in which the husband has beaten up the wife, and all the way up to 50% of marriages that involve this kind of situation. Every year, in the United States, approximately 4,000 wives are killed by their husbands. In fact, when we look at the hospital record, we find that about 1/4 of all the entries of women into the emergency rooms in hospitals have come from abuse from that woman's husband. We find that the single most significant cause of injury to women in the United States is abuse from the marriage relationship.
We find that approximately 65% of teenagers who commit murder, commit it against men who are abusing their mothers. There's one Internet sight that I saw that listed the various injuries and tabulated the various things that have been done to women recently, and when you look at those categories, it is just very full of despair. Injuries to the head and the neck, bruises, strangle marks, black eyes, split lips, damage to the eyes, fractured jaws, broken noses, permanent hearing loss, broken collar bones, bruised and broken ribs, fractured tail bones, internal hemorrhaging, and laceration to the liver. I think as we look at statistics like that, I think we begin to see that there definitely is a problem in our country. Here in McHenry county, we had a lady two months ago who was stalked by her husband and was eventually killed. This is not in a poor country or anyplace that we consider the third world. This is in McHenry County, Illinois.
This evening may we think about this subject. Someone might say, "Well, this doesn't apply to the church." We would hope that would be the case, but that is not the case. I can think about a couple here several years ago in which the man regularly beat up his wife. They divorced. They both have left the church and have left this part of the country. Somebody might say, "Well, it never happens in reverse." We've had that here. Some may remember a lady several years ago at this congregation who regularly beat up her husband. They also divorced, in time, and they have both left this part of the country and the Lord's church. So in this congregation in the past we have seen examples of both violence from the husband for his wife, as well as the wife toward her husband.
This evening as we think about spouse abuse, I'd first like to go over the reasons for violence in families today, and then, secondly, what the Bible says about the treatment of both husbands and wives, and then, finally, excuses that people use to justify physical abuse in the marriage relationship.In the first place, what are some of the reasons for this violence that we see in 20% to 50% of marriages today? Why do we have statistics such as these? May I suggest three reasons for this violence.
Number one, our society is becoming very violent. We are living in violent times. When I was growing up, and you may remember these days, baseball was considered to be a very polite game. Baseball was considered to be a very peaceful game. There was always respect for the umpire, for example. There was always respect for the other team. It is no longer that way. Brawls regularly break out, and it seems like the bigger the fight is, the more the crowd loves it. We see pictures the next day in the paper. There are shots on TV in the evening news, where the two teams have been fighting each other, and our country seems to thrive on that kind of violence. Think about ice hockey. Have you ever seen one of those people up close? I have, and their faces are full of scars, stitches, they are missing teeth, all kinds of results of the violence of that game. As we think about football, we think about those who have been paralyzed from the neck down because of how violent that game has become. It's the same with boxing and so forth. In many parts of the world today, soccer is just an excuse for a riot. And so we see that our society has a lot of violence in it, and it is spilling over into the home.
We look at the music industry, and it is tragic today that some of the rap musicians are actually giving us "music" in which they advocate violence toward women, and toward various other groups. Just about two weeks ago, there was a rap musician that was awarded a grammy even though his "music" was extremely violent. This past week I was listening to a discussion on a talk radio station in Chicago, and the host of the station was defending that rap musician, even though he has had all kinds of violence in his music about women and other groups. But this talk show host was saying, "But it is artistic." This is the excuse they use. I would disagree that it is artistic, number one. But secondly, even if it is artistic, that is no excuse to advocate violence toward anyone. You may recall several months ago the Dixie Chicks released a song about a lady killing her husband, so it works both ways in the music industry. We see the violent trend. So we see a lot of violence in our society.
There is a second reason that we see abuse in marriage, and that is that our country has been in the process, since the 1960's, of abandoning the Christian faith. People are becoming more and more selfish, and who really cares what Jesus says along these lines? Who really cares about the words of our Lord when he said, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the law and the prophets." People want to lose their temper. They direct that temper toward their wives or their children or vice versa, and they really don't care what the Bible says in terms of the Golden Rule.
There is a third reason for the increase in violence, and this is the influence of Islam in the United States. In October of last year, there was a major Islamic conference in Chicago, and the Chicago Tribune had quite a lengthy article. They sent a reporter there and reported on the situation. The purpose of this conference was to try to explain away what the Koran says about beating your wife. That is all the purpose was, as far as I could tell from this article. But when you look at the Koran at suras 4, verse 34, "Allah directs men who fear misconduct by women to admonish them and leave them alone in the sleeping places and to beat them. If they obey you, do not seek a way against them." So the Islamic leaders got together and did the best they could to get around that verse, to try to explain it away, and to direct attention away from the violent nature of the Koran. And yet, it still reads the same way there. The Koran allows and encourages the beating of wives under some circumstances. Certainly the practice of polygamy is very degrading toward women, extremely degrading, and Islam allows up to four wives per man. Not the reverse, but a man can have up to four wives. I think as we see the growth of Islam in the United States, we will also see more of this tendency toward violence.So here are three contributing factors for us to think about. The general increase in violence in our society, the loss of respect for the Christian faith and the words of Jesus Christ, and also the rise of Islam.
What does the Bible say about the treatment of one's spouse, particularly about the treatment of one's wife? I want to read four passages from the book of Proverbs. These are beautiful verses. Please listen to what Solomon had to say about this relationship that a man has with his wife. Here is Proverbs 12:4: "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband." Here is Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord." Proverbs 19:14: "House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." And the most beautiful passage is in Proverbs 31. Here is just a portion of it, Proverbs 31:10-12: "An excellent wife, who can find, for her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." Many world religions have reduced women to virtual slavery, but the Bible sets them up on a pedestal.
Let us look, please, at Ephesians chapter 5, and notice what the apostle Paul had to say along these lines. If you will look, please, at Ephesians 5:25-30 -- beautiful words here about the marriage relationship.
"Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife, loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of his body."
What a beautiful passage.
Would you look with me please at a second passage on this subject. Notice, please, I Peter 3. Peter says basically what Paul says. The husband should treat his wife as himself. That is, practice the Golden Rule toward the person he is married to. So please look at I Peter 3:7ff.
"You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, humble in spirit. Not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead, for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."
Notice in verse 7 that Peter began by saying that the husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way, and then he refers to the fact that women are physically weaker than men, therefore, the husband should help his wife with the physical demands of this life. He should honor her as a fellow heir of the grace of God, and notice the reason at the end of verse 7, so that God will accept his prayers. Because if he is abusing his wife, God is going to reject those prayers. Notice in verse 9, as Peter talks about the husband and wife, they are not to give evil for evil. They are not to exchange insults toward one another. They are not to insult one another. I can think about several marriages that I know about where the wife constantly criticizes the husband. I can think about some cases that it doesn't matter what the husband says, it is not right, just not right. Therefore, the wife will correct her husband in public, in front of other people. I would say that there is such a thing as verbal abuse of some wives toward their husbands, just as there is physically abuse by some husbands toward their wives. Peter says we are not to exchange insults. We are not to get into this arguing spirit. We are not to give insult for insult or evil for evil.
As he continues to say in verse 9, we are to eliminate the abuse in marriage and not return evil for evil. Certainly as Christian husbands and wives, we need to study these three verses carefully and apply them. Of course, there are those outside the body of Christ that couldn't care less what Peter said on this subject, and that same group of people are those that would reject the Golden Rule, but the Bible is plain, husbands are supposed to treat their wives with great respect and wives are to treat their husbands with respect also.
I would like to go over some excuses that some people use in defending spouse abuse. Three excuses: Number one, there are some who say, "Well, it won't happen again." Usually that is the end result of a recent incident of abuse, and that is usually something that comes down to three stages. First, there is the tension building stage. Maybe the husband picks on his wife about little things. Maybe it's the way that she has cooked the meal that didn't please him, or something else that he blows up into a major criticism. Maybe she needs more money to keep the household going. Maybe she needs help with some of the household chores, and so he blows up verbally and says some horrible things to her. The second stage is the explosion stage where he physically beats her. Maybe he punches her with his fist. Maybe he tries to choke her. Maybe there is kicking, knifing, slamming her against the wall, throwing her into the floor, shoving her down stairs. Maybe he even makes threats with a gun and threatens to kill her. But then there is the third stage, which is the loving stage, because now he feels guilty about it, and he becomes loving toward his wife again and assures her that this will never happen again. And yet, as these three stages are over, usually they begin again very shortly. So the excuse that it won't happen again is really not a trustworthy statement.
Sometimes there are those who endure abuse in a marriage, and their excuse is, "We are doing this for the sake of the children." If you know anything about treating alcoholics and the situation of alcoholism, you know that this is a person who is called an enabler. Many times there will be a woman whose husband is an alcoholic, and she will try to cover that up. She will do all she can to keep the world from finding out about her husband's alcoholism, and she is enabling him to continue in that alcoholism. In the same way, there are women sometimes who are enablers. They will put make-up over bruises. They will wear long-sleeve blouses to cover up knife marks, and they will perpetuate the violence by claiming that they love the children, and they do not want the children to grow up without a father. I would ask this question: is this really love for the children? Really, it is not. It is really training the children on how to abuse their spouses someday, or how to accept abuse from a spouse someday.
There's another excuse which some people use, and that is, they say, "Well, God wants us to stay together, so I will bear up under this abuse." I want to read a letter to the Dear Abby column on this subject. It's about a Bible passage, and I guess, if you have a question about the Bible, the worst person in the world to write to would be Dear Abby, and that's the case with her answer here. Let me just read, at least, the letter that was sent in to her. It says,"Dear Abby: My husband Pete is a religious man. He also has a violent temper, and has beaten me up several times. The first two times, I took no legal action although I did wind up in the hospital the second time. Pete cut my fingertips with a pair of scissors, and hit me over the head with the telephone, causing me to have 22 stitches in my head as well as a concussion. He says he wants to try to make a go of our marriage, but I'm afraid he will beat me up again if he gets a mind to. He says, the Bible says, I am suppose to forgive him 70 times 7, which is 490. I forgave him three times already. Does that mean I have 487 times left to go? I don't think I can live through it. Help me."
Well, she gives as answer here that has nothing to do with the scriptures, but part of it says, "Pete has used the Bible as a way of justifying his problem. Unfortunately, he is also indefinitely postponing a possible solution." She goes on and blames all Christian husbands for being this way, so it's really a poor answer. I think her question is interesting. Do we have to forgive in a situation like that 490 times?
Let me also read another letter. This is a letter written by John Calvin. Many denominational churches today trace their origin back to John Calvin in the middle 1500's. And this is referred to as "Calvin's letter to an unknown women, June 4, 1559." This is what he said to a battered wife.
"We have a special sympathy for poor women who are evilly and roughly treated by their husbands because of the roughness and tyranny of the captivity which is their lot. When he uses threats, when he beats her, when there is eminent peril to her life, we exhort her to bear with patience the cross which God has seen fit to place upon her, and not to deviate from the duty which she has before God to please her husband."
Just an unbelievably incorrect answer to the lady who had written. I would have to very, very, strongly disagree with John Calvin. The Bible does not require a woman to remain in an abusive marriage, and the scripture that John Calvin needed to know about, and should have known about, is I Corinthians 7:11, which allows a married couple to obtain a legal separation. This does not mean they have grounds to remarry unless one has committed adultery, and then, only the innocent party can remarry. The Bible allows a legal separation, and certainly, the Bible would never encourage a woman to stay in an abusive relationship until she finally gets killed. She can obtain a legal separation for her own good. The Bible allows this. Paul hopes that at some point in the future there would be a reconciliation, but if there isn't, then there isn't. The Bible still allows a husband and a wife to legally separate if they just cannot get along, or for other reasons including physical abuse.
How shall a wife handle abuse? I would say, number one, she ought to report it to the police. We remember what Paul said about the government. In Romans 13:4 Paul said, "The state is the minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil." This is the reason that God established civil government, to take care of evil doers, and therefore, the police should be involved, and there should be a paper trail that the abused person starts with the police. Somebody might say, "Yeah, but, you know, it says over there in I Corinthians 6 that you cannot take a fellow Christian to court, my husband is a Christian, so what can I do about the situation?" That is correct that in I Corinthians 6 we are told that a Christian cannot take a Christian to court. I would say for dealing with two members of the Lord's church, abuse should be immediately reported to the elders of that congregation, and I know that at this congregation it will be dealt with swiftly and forcefully, and the situation will come to an end one way or another. It will not be tolerated in the congregation. So there is the civil government and then there is church government that can be relied upon to deal with the situation.
I think in all cases we need to understand that violence can escalate between a husband and a wife. One of the most disturbing movies that I have seen in recent years is The War of the Roses. I don't know how many others have seen that movie, but at the end of it Danny Devito goes back to smoking again after dealing with the husband and wife, who, I won't say how it ends, but nevertheless, it is a very realistic movie. Danny Devito is the lawyer in the case trying to reconcile and so forth. It is a frightening movie to see just how far violence can go in a marriage. It's a very realistic movie, and one that I would encourage all married couples to see, because it gives us a warning that we do not want violence ever to start, and certainly we do not want it to be extended in the marriage relationship
The word of God tells us that marriage is a precious, precious gift, which God has made to mankind. Did you notice there in Ephesians 5 that as Paul was describing the relationship of Christ and the church, he compared it to the husband and the wife? That shows us what God thinks about the marriage relationship. In the final book in the Bible, the book of Revelation, as John is witnessing this incredible scene before him, in Revelation 19, when Christ finally appears into the vision, he appears on his white horse, and behind him come his people. Listen to what the Bible says as this point, Revelation 19:7, "Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready." In God's mind, therefore, the marriage relationship is precious. The church is the bride of Christ, and therefore, in physical human marriages, we should have this same appreciation for the blessing that God has given us.I hope that everyone has gained something from the lesson. There may be some desiring to become a part of the bride of Christ. The Lord's invitation is still open to you, and we would encourage you to think about obeying the gospel, being a part of the bride of Christ, that will appear behind Christ as he rides on his white horse at the second coming.